THE GIFT OF THE WARRIOR ~ Five Steps to Deconstructing & Transforming Our Relationships With the Difficult People in Our Lives.

 THE GIFT OF THE WARRIOR

Deconstructing & Transforming Our Relationships with the Difficult People in Our Lives.

Moving past Shame & Blame to insight, wisdom, compassion and wholeness. 

__________

Have you ever struggled with difficult relationships in your life? At BLOOM, we are dedicated to transforming these challenges into opportunities for growth and deeper connection. Building a supportive community where everyone can be seen and thrive together is not easy work and is not for the faint of heart. However, as we continue this journey, we are having an exhilarating experience, to say the least.

This is the work of collective building.

In building this supportive room, the first obstacle I encountered was myself. While I am a brilliant mapmaker, actually walking the path has been very painful. This journey, as challenging as it has been, has brought me closer to friends but also caused misunderstandings and broken bonds. These personal struggles informed the creation of our BLOOM framework—THE GIFT OF WARRIOR. This journey helps others navigate similar challenges.

With this new tool, difficult relationships still challenge me, but I see pain differently now. It does not stop me now from moving forward with greater compassion for myself and others.  I have had to learn that in encountering each difficult person, I am in fact encountering myself.

You see in our mind, challenging circumstances morph or are projected onto the people in our lives. In the same way, difficult people become the cause of our challenging situations. In our current polarized political environment we can see this playing itself out. In our personal lives we might also notice a similar dynamic where difficult people and challenging circumstances reinforce each other. 

When we do not look with discerning eyes on our world…when we don’t see with insight…when we do not appreciate the reflectance and radiance of our world… when we do not see our next level of transformation in the difficult times and people, the WARRIOR arises, without and eventually emerges, within.

The result in our communal and personal lives is: confusion and self doubt—where facts are distorted, a sense of hopelessness and anxiety, the loss of imagination and creativity, an “epidemic of loneliness” and a sense that we have become unmoored—untethered from reality.

In this part of the GIFT OF THE WARRIOR Journey, we consider that these WARRIORS in our lives occur as  reflections / representations of parts of yourself that are now wanting to be reconnected to our ESSENCE. They bring up issues in the areas of our lives where we have not been conscious and loving with ourselves. 

This might happen in your love life, in your relationship with your aging body, the management of your financial affairs, in the areas of your health, in your friendships and family.The WARRIOR emerges in these areas as a person, a situation or a group. However it appears it is the embodiment of disconnected energy and information that reminds you of aspects of yourself that now need to be lovingly encountered— in the field of your body, your finances, relationships, place of origin, history, experience and memory.

When encountering a WARRIOR, here are the reflective questions that have guided me and can guide you as well:

• Why this WARRIOR now?

• How do I keep moving forward?

• What are the mechanics of this encounter?

• What are the GIFTS they carry for me?

• Can I choose this opportunity now?

These questions are essential for uncovering the deeper meaning behind each difficult relationship and transforming them into opportunities for growth.

Frankly, often I did not choose the opportunity. But these things have a way of repeating themselves, until we find the inner resources to do the real work, until we surround ourselves with people who we grow to trust to hold us when we are vulnerable and raw. 

Today I am in a better place to confront my own demons, and I am a part of a collective people who I believe are doing the same. We have guidelines that we practice. We are not committed to perfection, to being popular or liked, we are committed to our own individual ongoing transformation and the transformation of others. And this requires these long hard looks at ourselves.

When we can see in each other our best selves and to intentions we are winning! This is the work that it takes to build the rooms of equity, compassion and shared growth.

THE GIFT OF THE WARRIOR journey promises…

• A MASSIVE EXPANSION IN YOUR EXPERIENCE OF—effortless connection, flow and abundance.
• A MASSIVE EXPANSION IN YOUR ABILITY TO share your feelings and needs with others and be supported—resourced by your own energies and the love of others.
• A MASSIVE EXPANSION IN HAVING  a deep sense of belonging to the communities we serve. 

In the Gift of the WARRIOR journey we reflect on our encounters with the difficult people of our lives. These are the people who we look to and who often disappoint us in our quest to have what we desire.

Imagine that the presence of a  WARRIOR is not a random occurrence, though it is unpredictable.  At BLOOM we notice that the WARRIOR arises when you commit to taking agency around your desire and need to experience being heard, to change, to be seen, to connect and be safe. And desire to do so with your whole heart.   One of the most difficult things to deal with is the fact that we have these desires and that engaging desires often involves others who trigger  disappointment, loss, grief, and uncertainty even as we also might also feel joy, pleasure and ease with others. How is it possible that we are wired in this way, to feel this mix of emotions, triggered by the people in our lives?

Ultimately these desires cannot be fully satisfied by others outside of ourselves. We must also make an inward reach for that which we desire. This inward reach and outward stretch creates the possibility of a wholehearted living, even in the midst of uncertainty.

So the following journey is offered with the intention to support you as you encounter with your WARRIOR—the difficult people in your life. 

This journey is made up of three parts. PART 1 takes a look at the anatomy of the WARRIOR; PART II takes us on a journey to encounter the WARRIOR; PART III, is a journey to encounter the WARRIOR within.

PART I - THE ANATOMY OF A WARRIOR 

Who are Your WARRIORS?

The WARRIOR stands in the way of your progress and symbolizes, “you do not belong.” “I will not let you pass.” The WARRIOR may appear as a person, group, community, race, or political affiliation. However, they appear to you, the WARRIOR is a construct of repressed emotions, thoughts, and experiences that need to be processed and integrated. They reflect the unheard, repressed, lost, unacknowledged, abandoned, betrayed, and homeless parts of ourselves.

When Does the WARRIOR Arise?

The WARRIOR arises when you commit to taking agency around the desire and need to experience being heard, to change, to be seen, to connect, and to feel safe. As you begin to stand for who you are, the WARRIOR emerges as the harbinger of your becoming, signaling that it is time to let go of an old sense of self.

Why Are They in Your Life?

The WARRIOR exists to trigger emotional memories that require integration so that you can enter the “land of your VISION.” They evoke feelings of not belonging and the most primal emotion—shame. Their presence indicates it is time to become vulnerable and authentic.

Where Does the WARRIOR Appear?

The WARRIOR appears at crossroads, inviting confusion, second-guessing, procrastination, clinging, hiding, and running away. Reflect on your current dilemmas and consider where you are encountering your WARRIOR now.

PART II - FACING YOUR WARRIOR 

The following is an elemental journey intended to support you as you encounter your WARRIORS—the difficult people in your life. 

What is the Encounter Made Of?

• Facts: What is happening, from the perspective of a “fly on the wall.”
• Experience: The meaning (interpretation) of what is happening (e.g., feeling unheard, stuck, invisible, abandoned, or unsafe).
• Decision: The decisions you make about yourself and the other in the encounter.
• Emotions: The emotions that are triggered during the encounter.
• Strategies: The habitual defensive, triggered, or shadow behaviors that may define your character over time, such as shaming and blaming yourself and others.

What to know as you encounter your WARRIOR

1. VISION / NATIVE ELEMENT —What is the elemental year of birth years of both yourself and your WARRIOR?. What world would you say they are here to open? Think of your best experiences with each other? 

(Refer to Step 1: VISION of the FINDING YOUR B.I.G JOURNEY and the BLOOM TRIBE Framework)

2. TRIBAL ROLE — What is your relationship with your WARRIOR? Are they ANCESTORS,  ELDERS, PARENTS, HEALERS, CHILDREN, BROTHERS, SISTERS? In what ways are these roles being consciously / responsibly played? 
3. BECOMING KEY ESSENCES & DESIRED ESSENCES, (Shadows & Desires (Overreached). What are the ESSENCES of you and the WARRIOR?  What ESSENCES and SHADOWS are shared? 

(See the BLOOM Essence Chart)

4. DESIRES , EXPERIENCE/ FEARS &  EMOTIONS? What are you and your WARRIOR desiring, fearing and feeling emotionally now? 

(See the BLOOM Emotion matrix chart)

5. NEEDS  – What do you need? What does your WARRIOR need? NEEDS are the ways in which one needs to be supported by others. Meeting a need helps one to be supported in moving through shame and disconnection. 

Sometimes it is difficult to see the gift that our most difficult relationships bring. Oftentimes these relationships seem devoid of any sense of generosity. On the surface, there is very little in the way of value that is being given or received. The sense of imbalance in our relationships steals our attention. When our attention wanders, we are not present to the flow of abundance that is present in the relationship. Completing relationships through communication—providing what is needed to right the imbalance—through communication is a practice that restores balance and reciprocity. 

Begin to ask yourself: 

Where in my life do I have a sense of owing someone…

1. A hearing, a moment to truly be listened to
2. An acknowledgement of their courage in the face of their unique challenge
3. A “thank you,” an acknowledgment or expression of gratitude for their presence
4. Companionship and compassion
5. An apology – granting space for the other to be as they are.

This path is not an easy path. It will require attention over a number of cycles, and deepening our awareness of each ESSENCE and how those ESSENCES manifest in our own behaviors and the actions of the people around us. As we go further along this path it will bring us a sense of gratitude for each and every person around us, for their beauty and the gifts we each possess.

Indeed LOVE knows only LOVE. LOVE seeks only LOVE. 

May we see more clearly each day.

PART III- FACING THE WARRIOR WITHIN

Eventually the WARRIOR without, (the difficult people in our lives) becomes the WARRIOR within—the nagging punishing voice in our heads. 

They are reflections of each other. Both become emboldened if not confronted consciously and lovingly.

I have found that my first temptation when the WARRIOR appears  is to blame someone and make someone feel ashamed for what they did to me, and have them make it up to me— “they should save me. I am a victim, I have been wronged.”

Then…

I blame myself for neglecting myself. I am afraid of being cut off from life and what is acceptable, so I have to do something deserving to be admitted. Now I am going to be punished. I punish myself. Alternatively I justify myself and my actions as being right and just and others as being wrong and misguided.

Either way as I pivot between these two reactions  I  have bought into what Buddhist psychologist Tara Brach calls, “the trance of unworthiness.”

In these ways I become my WARRIOR, by believing my external WARRIOR, and its presentation of what is acceptable and the ways in which I have not measured up. I then go on to  fight an imaginary self—I am of two minds. One that tells me I dont not belong, and the other a version of myself that is designed to be accepted. When we are not aware of this and identify with either of both of these identities, the split deepens. The  split is now internalized. The WARRIORS emerge within. And gets stronger.

This is internalized self-hatred, even as I  become someone else’s WARRIOR.

The WARRIOR without and within are the same. 

BREAKING THE ILLUSION…

1. PAUSE to notice the dynamics at play. Notice your reality and take inventory as you pause. Ask yourself, “What’s going on here? What am I believing? (About myself… About this person, about this situation? Where did I acquire this belief?) What am I experiencing (making this mean / interpreting this situation? What decisions / beliefs  have I made / have  about who I am? What am I feeling emotionally? What is my defensive strategy? 
2. LEAN —IN. What do I really want? What am I after here? What do I really want to experience? You might not know how to get there. A sense of being lost might emerge. Can you be okay with having the desire to be heard, to be free, to be valued, to be connected and safe, without knowing where to find it? What ESSENCE do you want to experience? Can you tap in this ESSENCE now?
3. APPRECIATE. What is here now that I can be grateful for? Appreciate what is here now with gratitude. Take a look around and begin to give thanks for all that you can experience through your physical senses. This might mean committing to seeing / perceiving “without naming” what’s being observed. Being grateful without reason or meaning. This can be disorienting, like walking blind folded. 
4. YES—LET GO. What emotions are you feeling? Can you name them? What are the physical sensations of the emotions you are feeling? Can you let these sensations flow and change on their own time and pace? Notice, what do you do to numb yourself from feeling these emotions?
5. YES—ALLOW. Can you allow yourself to arrive at a new place? Can you sense yourself arriving? It might feel strange. Can you embrace it as a new beginning, a new starting point?

BOLD MOVES

Now ask yourself, when you are ready….

What authentic truth about yourself are you now willing to admit, to give voice to? 

In what ways have you fenced yourself in / stopped dreaming? What dream can you now rekindle?

How have you dimmed your own light? In what ways are you now willing to be seen?

What boundaries have you not set for yourself? Can you set these boundaries now? 

What facts can you now squarely face that you might have been avoiding?